I, the Phoenix

Welcome!

If you made it here, you were a tagging entrant in my December "Love Yourself First" giveaway.

As a participant, you get to enjoy a little short scene I came up with two weeks ago about a woman who finds her inner strength after befriending a sensual Dom. This short fun scene boasts a little kink and a lot of reflection on bettering one's self. 

Hope you enjoy it. Feel free to share you thoughts by emailing me at awclarkenovels@gmail.com, or follow me on Facebook.

Enjoy!

I, the Phoenix

                I sat at the end of the bed in my little black dress and looked out the hotel window, taking in the fire red of the evening sky. For months, all I could do was recite a single line in my head that one of my author friends had written in a book about tragedy and rebirth:

“Poised and brave, she looked on,

and stepped boldly from the darkness

that imprisoned her life.”

                Arduous memories of some of the most difficult moments in my life flooded my mind and I lowered my head. With hands at my sides, my eyes drifted across my body, taking in the curves of my dress as it hung snug to my body in its newest form.

                The depression I grew up with, never feeling like I fit in… stabbed my ego like a knife. The body I was given never fit what I had hoped to see in the mirror. And the emotional abuse from my closest companion had me to the edge of life’s end more than once…

                But then I met Mr. Bradley.

                At a work convention not long ago, I met the sweet, older gentleman. His Richard Gere silver locks and handsome blue eyes froze my thoughts when we backed into each other at the bar that night. He was quiet and sweet mannered, and bore a soft smile that had me spilling my soul to Him after sitting in the lobby for an hour.

                There was something about him… or rather… His effect on people.

                Over the years, we became good friends. Chatting online, we got to know each other more. There was something delightful about Mr. Bradley. He never seemed to want too much from anyone. Rather, He always wanted to see those around Him happy. He was there for His friends, whether it be to lend an ear or just a few words of advice. Whatever it was, He always ended His statements of influence with that soft smile.

                For His smile, He drew many close, including myself. And for His kindness, I knew I’d never leave His circle.

                Fast forward to now. My eyes leave my dress and peer over to an opened white box, staring at its contents with a proud smile. A smile, not for what I’m about to wear, but for the powerful journey I’ve committed myself to so I could reach this point.

                “A simple gift,” Mr. Bradley wrote on the card that accompanied my birthday present, “for completing YOUR wonderful journey of rebirth. Congratulations, my friend.”

                I reached over and plucked the gifted pair of shoes from the box. I felt a fire inside me as I set one down and slipped my foot in. Four-inch tall heels that tie around my ankle… I’ve been a flats girl all my life. Footwear this tall and outrageous was reserved for what I thought were the skinniest and prettiest of model types.

                But I was wrong. Dead wrong.

                Mr. Bradley made me see that ANYONE could be the GREATEST version of themselves. And there were no boundaries that limited one’s potential. Only the pain of a well fought journey would fleet in one’s memory as they reach their personal goals. His words warmed me and confirmed that MY effort and dedication would always lead me to the true happiness I seek.

                I slide the other shoe on and place my feet together, then push off the bed to a standing position. Adjusting to the balance I need in my new shoes, I close my eyes and take a breath. I knew the journey would not be easy. But reaching each goal I set in life would fill me with more joy than I could ever imagine.

                “Wear them to the next convention, now that you’ve reached your personal goal. Never stop pushing yourself. You never know where your personal best lies until you push it.”

                I take a step and steady myself as I go. I’ve practiced walking in these before, and now I’ve mastered walking in heels. But never in public. I step smoothly over to the large full-length mirror and stand in front of it, peering at my reflection… and bear one of Mr. Bradley’s contagious quiet smiles.

                With the help and support of He and my friends, I was able to work on being a better version of myself over the past year. I worked hard to lose the weight I wanted. I managed my time so I could juggle time between the hectic life I’ve created and the family that loves me. I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff and ignore those toxic around me. Rather, I’ve learned to love myself first, and take the time to build the best version of myself that I could.

                I scan my reflection, all dressed up in the mirror…not the typical sight for someone who is so busy with life and responsibilities. But every once in a while, I’ve learned that it’s okay to show your shiny side to the world. Let the world know you are strong and confident and pleased with yourself.

                This journey hasn’t been easy. But before I head out, I close my eyes for a long minute, and recall how having a good friend in my life means you are never left alone in any journey…

                My mind revisits last night’s events…

                I arrived at the hotel just after rush hour and unpacked my bags. A text on my phone indicated that there was a meet and greet starting in an hour. I began an anxious discussion with myself, debating whether or not to head down and mingle with the other guests. But the more I thought about it, the more my nerves amplified. As I stood in my undergarments trying to find something to wear,  my thoughts scrambled a mess of possible scenarios, from being judged by strangers, to being laughed at by other guests for not being witty enough, or pretty enough, or….

                My chest heaved with the weight of anxious breaths and I scrambled for my phone. I texted my good friend Mr. Bradley, who was also attending the convention this year.

“I don’t know if I can do this.

Can’t breathe.”

               

                Moments later, the phone rung and I picked it up.

                “What’s wrong, my friend?”

                “I don’t think I can go through with this. There will be so many people here. I can’t tuck away the anxiety. I know you told me I could do this, but…”

                “Listen to my voice, baby. You can do this. You are stronger than you know. Now, just slow down. Close your eyes, and breathe…”

                I tried to stand in one place and void the light from my eyes, but my chest still felt tight and heavy.

                “Do you need my help?”

                I bit my lip and nodded. “Yes, please… Sir…”

                “Okay. Head to your door and unlock it, then I want you on your knees facing away, relaxed, and waiting for me. Focus on your breathing. I’ll stay on the phone the whole time.”

                I did as was told and unlocked the hotel room door. This was one of the strongest anxiety attacks I had ever felt but having Mr. Bradley’s calming voice was by my ear immediately began to soothe me. I stepped away from the door and took to the washroom. I grabbed a towel from the rack and laid it on the floor, then knelt down, awaiting the return of His voice.

                “Breathe. Just, breathe…. That’s it. I’m almost down there…. Just listen to my voice.”

                “I trust you, Sir.”

                I’ve always trusted Mr. Bradley. Since we got to know each other, I knew He was a little different. Not weird different, but rather, considerate different. I knew from the times we spoke, and the few times we interacted, that He wasn’t the kind of guy who wanted to take from me for His pleasure. But since getting to know what type of unique Dom He was, it was both intriguing and comforting to know that He was the type of person who wanted to see those close to Him happy and pleased. A Dom who gave…. What a beautiful concept, from a beautiful man.

And I trusted Him without any doubt…

                The doorknob turned and I instinctively hung up the phone, eager to hear His voice in person.

                “I’m here.”

                “Come in, Sir. I would like your assistance,” I whisper humbly, between thick, anxious breaths.

                “I’m happy you listened to me. I’m here to help you. Tell me how you feel, little Phoenix…”

                Phoenix...

…The cute name He gave me as He walked with me through my months of self help and rebirth. I loved it. When He spoke my special name, it made me feel both valued, and valuable; and instantly melted the entire world around us. In that moment, when He was around, nothing else existed. Nothing else mattered…

                “I feel anxious, Sir. I don’t know how to focus.”

                I saw Him come to stand in front of me, my head still down.

                “Look at me, little Phoenix.”

                I waited, as trained, for the touch of His soft finger below my chin, lifting my head to see His handsome face. His smile melted me. His eyes became a blanket of warmth around my body— a thick soothing gaze more powerful than any other man’s stare. His warm and gentle touch on my skin was the firm grip of assistance I required to step out of the rut my mind cast me into…

                “Now close your eyes and breathe. You’ve always had it in you to be strong. Listen to my voice…”

                He slowly counted from ten to one, and as I heard Him count down, His hand did the thing I loved… His open palm cradled my cheek, and I nuzzled it, feeding off the heat of His welcoming contact as I slowly stepped out of my anxious space, and I waited for His thumb to graze my lips.

                I opened my mouth to His touch, and let His digit slip inside. With the last of my exhales reaching the end of His countdown, I suckled His thumb lightly, enjoying the comfort of His presence.

                “I knew you could do it, little Phoenix.”

                “Thank-you Sir.”

               

                In the quick slip to sub space, I felt timeless and captive. To Mr. Bradley’s voice, I was malleable. Trainable. Dynamic. I wanted more. I wanted to be extra strong for tomorrow’s event.

                I did not want to falter. So I begged to be strengthened…

                I looked to my valued friend and whispered. “Show me strength, once again.” I then awaited His approval as the sun set and the room darkened…

                “Certainly, sweet Phoenix. Your heart will always find what it seeks. You need only to ask it for direction…”

                A smile crept across my face as I waited to be strengthened. Mr. Bradley showed me how to find my inner confidence. Often, it was through kind words over the phone or deep discussions online. But tonight, I knew it was going to be different in person. Special. Unique.

                From His suit jacket He pulled a roll of black electrical tape and help it for me to see. Instantly, my heart skipped a beat, unsure of how He would use it to amplify the faith in my own soul.

                “Remember your safe word, sweet?”

                “Fire… I whisper eagerly.”

                “Thank you,” Mr. Bradley politely conceded.

                “Up on your feet,” He commanded.

                I did as asked and took His outstretched hand to help me to my feet. Mr. Bradley was the kindest of gentlemen. The fact that He never left my side reassured me that I had nothing to fear when I was at my worst. He was the voice in my head, the warmth to my soul, and the spark that brought my confidence to life whenever I felt threatened.

                Standing in front of him, I saw Him kneel in front of me.

                “I’m going to bind you with this tape. It will be a symbol of all that restrains you.”

                He unravelled a length of the stretchy black tape and slowly wound it around my leg, from the ankle to the top of my inner thigh. I was curious about His idea but entertained His actions. He bit off the end and folded it over at the top, then slowly wound a length of tape up the other leg.

                “It’s a little snug.”

                “Breathe, baby…”

                I did as He requested, and my anxiety settled for the moment as He wound more tape around my chest in a beautiful symmetrical path around my torso, between my panties and my bra. To complete His work, He wound a path of tape around each forearm before affixing a length of tape lightly around my neck, reminding me of my place in His presence.

                “Now where are your new shoes?”

                “Over there, Sir.”

                “Have you practiced?”

                “Yes, Sir. Every other day since I received them.”

                “Good girl.”

                He knelt at my feet. Such a powerful display of humility and respect, from a sensual Dom. This power exchange was rarely seen in the lifestyle. But Mr. Bradley knew that respect was always reciprocal. It’s just how He liked it. And it pleased me.

                “Foot up, little Phoenix.”

                I raised my foot and placed it on His thigh. He slipped my new shoe on and affixed the strap around my ankle. I never owned shoes like these, so tall, and strappy. I was unsure I’d ever be able to walk in them, let alone even like them. But I was soon convinced otherwise.

                He spoke to me after I set my foot down and placed the other on His leg for my other heel.

                “These shoes are a small part of your strength. They are tall, representing every new challenge you face. You may struggle at first, but you will gain your balance in the face of insecurity, and stand tall… Your feet will be poised forward, reminding you of the first action you take as you step out of any struggle, and find new footing with every confident stride forward. He looked at how beautiful I looked in them as He set my foot on the floor. “Lastly, the straps that wrap around your ankle are the security I send you, a comforting grip, to hold you every step of the way.”

                It was then that I realized that His gift wasn’t simply a pair of shoes. His thoughtful present was a symbol of strength that always resided inside me. All I had to do was rise to the challenge and take a step forward.

                “Step to the window.”

                “It’s open Sir. Everyone outside can see in.”

                “I know. But you need not care about the presumptions of others.”

                “Yellow.”

I whispered my soft limit word, struggling to grasp the intent of His actions as a burst of anxiety flooded my chest again.

                “Do you trust me?” He whispered with a soothing growl, hoping I could push just a little further into my danger zone.

                I took a long breath to calm my nerves, and nodded. “Yes sir. I do.”

                “Good. Let me help you.” I saw the light to the hotel room shut off, revealing only the large window several feet in front of me. Suddenly, the outside world wasn’t so uncomfortable.  So apparent. So judgemental.

                “Now step to the window, baby.”

                I nodded and let out a smooth exhale, then stepped carefully to the hotel window, several floors above the now nighttime cityscape below. I let out another breath to settle the percussions in my chest.

                There I stood, laced in an elaborate labyrinth of black electrical tape. The feeling was new and unusual, but interesting on my body.

                “How do you feel?”

                I stood there in the window, peering out at the tiny people below, everyone unaware that I was standing near naked above them. I ran my right hand up my left arm, touching the coils of smooth tape binding my arm.

                “I feel tight. Constrained.”

                “But can you still move?”

                “Yes Sir.”

                He stepped toward me and came to stand behind me. The sound of His voice comforted my nearly naked body as we both looked out at the world that scrolled us by. He then spoke beautiful words to me…

                “I want you to know that you are strong beyond any measure you’ve known. See the world out there? People may look at you. Evaluate you. Judge you. Make you feel constrained, like all this tape on your skin…” Mr. Bradley ran a hand along my arm, the heat of His fingers charging the tape that bound me. “But no matter how much you think the thoughts of others may hold you back, you can always move. You can always be free to do as you wish. You are never a prisoner to their thoughts. Your inner soul knows no bounds…”

                With those reassuring words, Mr. Bradley swept the hair from behind my ear and kissed me softly on the neck. I stood there, eyeing a world of humans below, suddenly feeling more comfortable in our quiet space.

                His kiss unravelled me. Perhaps it was that I never felt more than a hug from the kind older gentleman. Or maybe it was that I had long awaited the touch of His lips on my skin. Nothing more, and nothing less. Just one reassuring moment that proved to me I was more than I thought I could ever be.

                And with that kiss, He set my confidence ablaze…

                I slowly shifted my weight from one foot to the other, gently flexing the snug coils of tape around my legs. With each movement, I was reminded of the restraint on my body. But as I responded to the pecks on my neck, my body tingled, and flexed, gently loosening the tape on my legs.

                My one arm reached up and flexed loose another coil of tape as I cupped Mr. Bradley’s head and drew His face closer to my neck. I tilted my head back, inviting His lips to greet my skin once more.

                My other arm ran down His leg, feeling His suit pants, and the muscles lining His leg. I’d never been so close to Him as I have now, and I just wanted to let Him take me.

               

                But for reasons I’ll never know, He kept His cool, and maintained His purpose. He remained a comforting soul, holding me gently, and kissing my neck graciously, as I found my strength. He knew He could have me right then and there, in front of the window, for all the world to see…

…But Mr. Bradley vowed to be my strength, and care for me. All He wanted was to show me the strengths I had deep in my soul. And for the next few minutes, He did just that…

                My chest heaved as I found my confidence. The tape once wound snugly around my torso lost its tension and fell loose. The more I came to know the value in my own skin, the more my confidence shed away the misconceptions that bound me.

                “Step back, baby… Let me free you…”

                I felt Him pull away and I turned on my heels. I saw Mr. Bradley motion me to the edge of the bed and I stepped to him. He extended a hand and had me sit on the bed’s edge. I was aroused as all hell, but His sweet movements steered me wisely through the intents at hand…

                He outstretched my arm toward Him and slowly peeled away a coil of tape. I felt it unwind from my arm, slowly tugging at my skin as it left like a reluctant snake’s bite from its prey. He freed my other arm, then eyed me to make sure I was alright.

                After a quiet moment of meeting my eyes with His gaze, He moved to my torso. I sat up straight, and He unwrapped my body, then my neck, the last of the tape leaving the space just under my bra.

                Finally, He knelt at my feet again, and slipped off my shoes before taking my foot in His hands and unwrapping the tape from each leg. His movements were slow and sensual, but I understood His actions as liberating to the recent cluster of negative speculations that had now left me.

               

                At last, He offered me His hand and lifted me to my feet. I looked over my body, eyeing the long red bands that now trail the surface of my skin.

                “They’ll all be gone tomorrow,” He reassured me with a smile. I send Him back a grin for all His help tonight.

                “Thank you, Sir.”

                “You’re very welcome, my sweet friend.”

                Mr. Bradley leaned in close to me, and I looked down, respectful of His presence.

                He kissed me softly on the forehead and lifted my chin to meet my eyes with his.

                “From now on, that chin stays up, beautiful lady.”

                Understanding the power of His words, I issued a silent nod and smile. He returned me a quiet hug, then walked past me and whispered a “Good night,” in my ear before slipping out the door.

                Remembering all this, I look at myself once again in the mirror and pep myself up with a nod to my psyche.

                I am the fire. Let’s do this…

                An hour later, I’m in the hotel’s grand ballroom, perusing the crowds of the meet and greet for familiar friends and new contacts. I remember last night’s interactions and draw from it small doses of confidence. I keep my chin up and walk gracefully from person to person, making small talk and listening intently to their pitches.

                Needing a drink, I excuse myself from the conversation and head to the bar.

As the bartender whips me up a pink vodka lemonade, I hear a voice behind me.

                “You look great.”

                “Mr. Bradley!” I whisper, surprised by His presence.

                My often silent friend issues me His signature quiet smile as the bartender slides me my lemonade across the bar. I take it with a nod and turn about. Mr. Bradley and I stand together for only a minute as we gauge the mood of the convention.

                I’m too nervous to speak any further, but He pulls a few words out of me before He leaves.

                “I saw you the moment you walked in the door. You’re doing great.”

                “Thank you.”

                He turns to me and for a quick moment pierces deep into my soul with His gaze.

                “I’m proud of you,” He whispers in a soothing tone.

                I look nervously to the floor, but soon lift my chin up again, standing poised and brave. I send Him a simple smile, radiating all the confidence I’ve fought for and won this past year.

                Mr. Bradley raises His glass to mine and we clink.

My old friend returns to the convention floor and soon disappears. I then carry on myself, meeting the crowds and the challenges, purposeful and alive,

…no longer a prisoner to the past.